Into the Silence
Written by Annette Adamson
Preceding the decision to go into silence, a period of desolation, an indescribable loneliness was felt in the spiritual heart. It was the pain of the illusion of separation from Divinity (God) or Guru.
The Guru, let it be known, the Master (God) never leaves us. This knowledge however, only amplified the pain; for I realized fully that the severing that I was feeling could have only come about through my own doing or thinking. Separation anxiety can only be caused by our own minds. The agony of the knowledge that I alone was responsible for this absolutely lonely hell, caused overwhelming guilt, self-loathing, desperation and agony.
The Guru merely observes an never interferes for only by our own choice can we either connect or disconnect from the only real love that we will ever experience!
So, I was face with the reality that I “turned my back on Divinity”! What a deadly experience lies in the wake of such folly… I think I can safely say, that after experiencing this “spiritual death”, the death of the body seems like a walk in the park.
Meanwhile, mind continued its games. It found a multitude of excuses – to the point where I was almost convinced that it is God who has turned His back on me, found me unworthy! A range of emotions accompanied this madness; from pain to anger to self-defense, to justifications, even to blaming others.
This continued for several weeks, until one morning I realized that life had lost its luster completely! Thoughts of withholding the medicines that are keeping my body alive even crossed my mind, but by Grace, I knew that I would only be postponing this very experience. The writing was on the wall… I had better find a way back “into the arms” of my beloved Guru!!
With all the activity in our lives, I realized that I had to withdraw completely and turn within, find the inner silence and become sufficiently empty to hear or feel the Master’s guidance.
Day 1 of silence:
Because of the habit of non-stop business, day 1 found me restless and very heartbroken. I wept away the morning and when there were no more tears left, I decided to start reading “Sreepada Sreevallabha”, a gift from Mohanji, given to Hein when he visited Mohanji in November of 2011.
What a gift, yet I myself hadn’t picked it up to read since 2011! The moment I picked up this holy book there was an immediate “settling down” of the heart. The reading about Lord Dattatreya was wonderful and there was a vague sense of familiarity in the mental pictures that the words conjured in my mind.
Then, miraculously, two emails came through from my beloved Mohanji! Without a shadow of a doubt, the Master knows EVERYTHING about us, every minute of the day and night. Moreover, Mohanji foresaw this whole experience of the illusion of separation that I was going to have, to the point of almost cancelling His trip to South Africa!! Yet He did nothing – He merely observed. He could see exactly how my mind was sapping “all the magic” out of life. But on the day that I “broke”, He was there with words of wisdom, love, consolation, encouragement and absolute love.
The weeping continued for much of the 1st day – but the tears of regret and guilt were now at least mixed with tears of hope and light. The Master still loved me, still cared about my well-being, and there in my face again, was the re-assurance that only mind can create these agonies that we perceive. What used to be a theory, was now an absolute reality, MIND IS THE CULPRIT.
I kept connecting with Mohanji’s (Babaji’s) eyes and did japa for the rest of the day, with immense gratitude!
The impulse was that now I didn’t have to continue fasting and going into silence any longer, but somehow, there was a still small voice that said, “remain in isolation – cement your faith, so that no winds or words or doubts can ever enter into the heart; no matter what adversities may yet be awaiting you.”
Thus ended Day 1 of silence and fasting.
Into the Silence – Day 2:
When I opened my eyes, the first thought was “I feel You Master”, thank you, thank you. There is life again.
As the day wore on, I found that I had become almost militant in playing the ‘observer of thoughts’. I would boldly reprimand any negative thought and chase it away.
Suddenly, I stepped right out of my body and saw this whole silly charade playing out. I saw, as clear as crystal, the resistance and that it was still all about little ‘me, me, me’. It was so unattractive and infinitely nauseating. I got physically sick. There, at that moment, a shift took place. Everything was still happening, the resistance, the militant arrogance, the self-absorption but something was different.
It took a while to define what had changed, I couldn’t lay my finger on it. The body was still being sick at regular intervals, and then, while leaning over the “bowl” (God works in mysterious ways, with a sense of humor) – while emptying my stomach, I realized that I no longer felt any emotion at what was playing out at this point in my life. Everything was still happening, but I was no longer a part of it. None of it belonged to me, none of it was part of me anymore….
I didn’t analyse any of it, I just knew that what was happening, was good. Feeling faint, I lay down, looked into Mohanji’s (Babaji’s) eyes, and did 3 rounds of “Om Parabrahmane Namah”, my favorite chant. I felt so incredibly quiet inside, so I lay for a long while, trying to extend this peace and silence; a void, a restful void, that I wished I could feel permanently… resting in my own Swaroopa…
Day 2 ended restful, with gratitude and feeling Master right here with me – easy breathing – enormous relief and love.
Silence. Day 3:
The initial impulsive on the 3rd morning, was a resolve to find out exactly what in me brought me to this feeling or place of absolute desolation. I had no intentions of creating another vortex such as this! I set out to find the rot in my mind, through sincere self-analysis as taught to us by Mataji Narayani. Something in ME was responsible for this deadly feeling of a vicious severing from Divinity, in this case, in the form of our beloved Mohanji.
I asked the question in all humility and totality, and an answer came.
The answer as received and interpreted to the best of my ability:
* Reconciling the fact that there are many enlightened Masters – yet ONE consciousness.
The very first communication that I received from Mohanji (Babaji), was “Forgive yourself”. It couldn’t be co-incidence, yet 20 years ago, when I met Mataji, Her first words to me were “Forgive yourself”… Need I say more??
At this juncture, I realized that having or having had more than one personal Enlightened Master, is a gift beyond comprehension and a surreal blessing on the one hand, yet, a possible source of confusion (mind-stuff obviously), on the other hand…
For twenty years after Mataji Narayani left Her body, I walked the spiritual path “alone”, and as close to Her teachings, example and essence as possible. It wasn’t until I became convinced that my terrestrial son was in dire need of a Master, that I set out to find Hein an enlightened Master. I used the tool of the day, the internet. And HE came… MOHANJI answered the call… HE felt our urgent need!!
What I absolutely didn’t bargain on, was that from the moment I connected with Mohanji’s eyes, I knew I wanted Him, too – as my Master! NOT part of the plan! Immediate feelings of being disloyal to Mataji arose and lingered until Mohanji took Mataji’s life’s work, Vibrionics, with such enthusiasm to a global level. That obliterated all doubts and feelings of guilt that I had. I simply saw this as a divine collaboration, orchestrated by Divinity. I settled, deliciously, into the fact that I have been given the boon of another personal Master. All was well in my world…or so I thought…
Oh, what a tightrope this human journey is! We must NEVER become complacent, or too comfortable – as I found out during my journey to India.
We had a few days’ respose from our Vibrionics programmes, and went to Rishikesh for a few days. Lo and behold, at that time, master Mooji was giving satsang in Rishikesh! We decided to attend. And there was Mooji, giving out the exact same truths and teaching as our Mohanji. The same love poured forth from Mooji that we experience from our Mohanji. At times during the satsang, Mooji’s face would become Mohanji’s face, and like a thief in the night, the guilt feelings came rushing back. What was I doing at this satsang, when I have my own Master?? Nonetheless, the next day we were back for another satsang with Mooji – nicely ignoring and suppressing the feelings of guilt. In a later conversation with Hein, it transpired that he had similar feelings of guilt, but he wrapped his head around it by believing that Mohanji had sent him to Mooji’s satsang, as Mohanji asked us to leave His contact number with Mooji and let Mooji know that Mohanji is very keen to meet with all holy men. So Hein did that, and felt fine after that.
In Delhi, our BTW family took us to the Shirdi Sai Temple across from the Ramana Kendra. In the temple, I had an indescribable experience of bliss that left me sobbing and releasing so much mental weight. Ironically, there was no guilt this time. Was it because Shirdi Sai is also so loved by our Mohanji? Is it because Shirdi Sai was no longer in a body? However, our busy schedule continued, and the issue was left at that. Yet, a niggling question kept surfacing vaguely. Was I Guru-shopping? What was happening? Is every holy person my Guru? But life continued, the trip continued and I convinced myself that everything was just fine, but alas…
BANG!! We’re in Bangalore, and our gracious Dana took us to meet a Saint living in Bangalore, called Devi Amma. Well, there I was, like a clown, clinging to Devi Amma’s feet, and yes, you’ve guessed it, sobbing like a baby, lamenting: “I don’t want to leave You, I don’t want to leave You!!”
So by now we all know that I’m a ridiculously emotional creature, but this was getting to be beyond a joke and a tad bizarre! Am I really going to bawl every time I’m with the Holy Ones?
When Mohanji left South Africa, I wept. When I saw Mohanji again in Shirdi, I sobbed again. On His birthday, I sobbed. When I received His paduukas, I wept. At the Datta Tapovan Temple, I sobbed some more ( just for good measure).
After this, we went to Dubai. By this time, my body was so ill, and I had such a raging fever, that nothing mattered except to get through the presentations with love and totality, and then to get home. Once again, the confusions and experiences were put on the back-burner – not dealt with.
Day 4, to follow, a conclusion at last… Once more, I ended my day of silence, by connecting with our Babaji’s eyes, and doing japa until I fell asleep.
Into the Silence:
At the time of our homecoming from India and Dubai, I was taken to hospital to get me “back on my feet.” After that, terrestrial life was once again in full swing, so again, it was possible to push issues to the back of the mind.
And YET, in the pit of my stomach, there was a constant feeling of a heavy hand, like an iron fist – a restlessness, a heaviness, a gripping fear that I kept suppressing. Let me say that of the many short-falls in my constitution, fear has NEVER featured, yet, here it was…
There were many warning signs that pointed to the fact that I had completely lost my Center. Regular comparisons were drawn between the way that Mataji went about getting Vibrionics Clinics off the ground, as opposed to the more official and (to me), complicated way that ACT Foundation approached the initiative. There was inner stubbornness, rigidity and many other characteristics that I have always found terribly off-putting in others (another lesson)! There was rebellion and resistance and all the ugly buggers that you can possibly think of! All with the compliments of MIND!
Although all these movements of the mind were taking place, it hadn’t quite risen to the plane of consciousness for me – until one day. Hein and I were chatting and Hein threw and question at me from left field: “Annette, do you perceive Mohanji as your Master, or are you still more with Mataji?”
My mouth opened to reply but no words came out – the harsh truth was that that very question had been plaguing me – but I buried it neatly in the deeper recesses of the mind, til now!
That was it, the moment of truth could no longer be postponed. I had to take a look at the guilt, the doubts and the iron fist in the belly, which by now was taking my breath away, it was that intense and prominent.
I started vomiting again and felt sick to the point of fainting, but I could no longer dodge the issue.
After Hein questions, and after I had emptied my stomach completely – in typical Aries fashion, without proper forethought, nor the slightest tact, I jumped onto facebook and blurted out the question to Mohanji: “Mohanji, are You my Master??” (the last of the diplomats…)
Mohanji’s reply was like a sword in the heart. He said: “If you are still asking this question, then the answer is “NO, I’m not your Master”.
It was a death-blow. I felt that my world had come to an end. More that that, I felt that my one possible chance of enlightenment in this lifetime, had just been crushed to smithereens by my doubts and lack of faith! Moreover, I could see (with deep felt regret), that my mind with its mirages had probably destroyed the only gift worth living for, LIBERATION.
A note to my beloved fellow humans:
For lack of a stronger adjective, let me make a feeble yet passionate attempt, and urge each of Mohanji’s devotees to not play with these holy gifts; for once we have tasted the Nectar of the Master, nothing else will suffice ever!! The rest is empty, devoid of all that has any meaning.
Human nature alas, is such that we only appreciate what we have, once we stand to lose it – how idiotic – how pathetic and how infinitely sad a fact that is.
As mentioned, there was a determined effort to find my terrestrial son (for this lifetime), an enlightened Master. I cannot speak for Hein, so I’ll suffice to say, that I went into literally hundreds of facebooks of spiritual Masters, of which there are so many! Some real “skorrie morrie” types, obviously out to either make money or to catch girls under the banner of Tantra and various other clever concepts. BUT, there were also beautiful Acharyas and probably other enlightened Ones, but it wasn’t until I had my first darshan with our Mohanji, that I KNEW. I KNEW that here is Hein’s Master.
The unexpected “oops” happened when I realized that I too, wanted Him for my personal Master also. I’ve always felt that Mataji had left me too soon, but then, suddenly, I remembered Her promise to me at Her deathbed, that I will again be taken by the hand and guided to my Self when the time is right.. oh the joy of this memory, this confirmation…!
As for the same longing and bliss, felt in the energy of other Masters, (which was the cause of this entire vortex of hell for me), I now think its okay, its little boons along the way. Its not a betrayal to our own Guru – BUT, among all the Holy Ones, we need to remain loyal to the One who came to us when we called for help, and called for a True Master. The ONE who felt our sorrows and our needs across oceans. The ONE who came then, to console us, to love us instantly and unconditionally.
I would like to end this personal saga with a loving message: “WHEN YOU FIND YOUR MASTER, HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE!”
I give you my word that you don’t want the regret and the accompanying desolation and emptiness that transpires when we feel disconnected from Divinity!
And don’t play with the fact that the Master will always be there for you. Regret will eat away at you, guaranteed.
Ultimately, the purpose of a human birth is to be guided to Self Realization.
I ask, in all humility that You be the On to guide me towards Liberation, Beloved Mohanji – Beloved Babaji – Beloved God.
In the dust of Your holy feet
8 thoughts on “Into the Silence”
Dearest Bilja, thankyou for putting this together so beautifully, and for the choice of pictures….and your reliability. I love you.
Such a beautiful sharing dear Annette. From the heart. Thank you for being so brave and spill out the mind games and confusions you have. Each and every one of us can find himself in these experiences. Many will hide. But you are so brave and honest. I look up to you and admire. Take a bow. Love always, Zoran
I stumbled upon this blog by accident some time back and have returned to it many times to read the sublime stuff posted here. This is one such. Am South African so was happy to hear that Mohanji’s influence has spread even to this part of the universe.
Thanks for sharing this experience.
Dear Nirmala, you are most welcome :-). In fact, Mohanji will be coming to South Africa on 30. August and will be conducting programs in Cape Town, Durban and Johannesburg until 30 Sept so you will have the opportunity to have your own direct experiences :-). Loving regards, Biba Mohan
Dearest Annette, thank you for daring to share your most intimate inner experiences with all of us – I know that wasn’t easy but is so greatly appreciated. Zoran, you said it all…
I felt each word deeply in my heart, in my Being, for all of us are One especially when the embrace of Oneness happens through the guidance of the same Master/path.
Your doubts have been/are the doubts of many and the experience-sharing from the heart is thus truly precious.
I love you endlessly – your unique expressions and naughty sense of humor, your purity, subtlety and zest for life… Your presence in our lives is truly enriching and your love contributes so greatly to the beauty of our global spiritual.
I love you beyond words, beyond expression…
Wow, such a rare sharing of authentic self. I used to also cry at the drop of a hat, I have kept the damns well-shored up now! I need to release them but have not yet been as brave as you 🙂 .
I also have been blessed with many Teachers, a long list, ending with Paramahamsa Nithyananda and finally, Mohanji.
Once after a mystic experience, I landed in the desert. Probably it was my expectation after my Christian upbringing but I was devastated. I felt the light of God had been so beautiful and now I am left here alone and forlorn on the earth with nothing but grossness. I felt so very alone and abandoned here. I decided I should cry and having been through a rough divorce. I had emotionally frozen. The Artic had more life and I thought my son needed more emotional availability from Mom. So, I went and bought five tear-jerker movies (“Out of Africa,” “Postcards from the Edge,” and so on). Finally after all five had played in a single Sunday, I broke and cried a river.
And, as I sat at the kitchen counter and gazed out at the trees, I broke into another mystic vision. And, this time, afterwards, I didn’t cry. I didn’t have faith. I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that all is God and there is only Love, God is Love and that is all there is. And, Mohanji embodies this infinite ocean of Love, this is what I see and feel and so, luckily, I had a choiceless choice.
another annette 🙂
Reblogged this on Mohanji In Africa.
Although I have already read this post long ago, somehow I ended up back on it once again, and exactly at the moment when I needed to read it. I feel Mohanji’s hands in it, moreover the post was published on the exact day I found about Mohanji 🙂
Thank you dear Annette for sharing so sincerely your experiences, it is very helpful.