by Bharath Sivasubramanian, Canada
A story of going without expectations and coming back with the love of Mohana Shiva!
I surrender this testimonial at the feet of my Guru, Master, God, and Amma – Bhagawan Mohanji.
Having completed Empowered 1-4 earlier in 2024 and while registering for Empowered 5 in July, I had several questions about what to expect. Most of these questions were around silence, such as how to maintain silence despite my being noisy and talkative by nature, what exactly is silence, how do you know when you are in silence, what will happen after you are in silence, will I be able to talk to people again after having experienced silence or will I stop taking altogether, etc.
This was because I had never been successful in meditation in my life before, nor had I ever experienced anything even remotely close to silence. So, when I bombarded the Empowered trainers with such questions about silence, the main advice and insight that they gave me was, “Go without expectations. Mohanji gives everyone what they uniquely and specifically need.”
How right they were!
Following their advice, I decided to go to the MCB, Dugspur, Virginia, USA, to attend Empowered 5 from July 29 to August 2, 2024, with an open mind. I am so glad I did because having preconceived notions about what to expect would have completely ruined what I experienced and gained. Going with the sole intention of experiencing silence, come what may, would have disappointed me and would probably not have helped me really feel what I actually did during those five days at Empowered 5.
Day 1 of Empowered 5 began with a 25-minute recording from Mohanji, which set the stage for all my experiences over the next few days. He beautifully outlined the Raja Yoga Path as Shiva’s “no-nonsense path,” the path of total dissolution, the path where you burn until you are reduced to ashes. I was deeply moved when Mohanji said that when you are completely burnt, Shiva wears you as ash at the point of dissolution.
When Mohanji mentioned to all the participants that we were not here at Empowered 5 by accident, that we had gone through thousands of births of pining for dissolution, and that we were finally “coming home,” I was choked with tears of gratitude. I thought, “Yes! Finally, I am where I need to be. This is my purpose – to dissolve.”
All at once, my past and current situations in life, the good and the bad, the highs and lows, the successes and disappointments that I had gone through – everything became immaterial. Nothing else mattered because I had suddenly gained clarity of my ultimate purpose and reason for taking this birth. I was excited and thrilled that I was finally on the road to the ultimate completion of everything – total dissolution and merger with Shiva.
This feeling of excitement became one of extreme gratitude and devotion as the day progressed. I kept contemplating the main aspects of the video by Mohanji during the day (and how could you refrain from contemplating the beautiful and powerful idea of dissolution!). I was choked with tears of devotion during the evening aarati at the Shirdi Sai temple, thinking about the gift of the Raja Yoga Path I was now a part of.
I thanked Shirdi Sai Baba and Sathya Sai Baba for this opportunity to come home and dissolve. I told them, “Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity. I love you! Please accept me for dissolution; this is what I want! I am yours. Please take me; please accept me to merge and dissolve in you.” I cried like a baby and shed tears of joy and gratitude throughout the aarthi, unable to hold myself back. While Day 1 ended on this beautiful note, Day 2 was to be even more eventful, leading to more revelations and beautiful experiences.
Day 2 began with Conscious Gapless Breathing (CGB). I had previously heard about CGB as a powerful technique, but actually doing it and experiencing it was something else. I still recall feeling peaceful while lying in Shavasana after completing CGB. I just did not want to get out of that state – despite it being time for breakfast.
Later on, we had a Group Mai-Tri session that was extremely powerful. Towards the end of the session, when Shirdi Sai Baba was invoked, I was overcome with gratitude and started experiencing extreme happiness and contentment. When the Nirvana Shatakam recited by Mohanji was played at the end of the session, I could no longer hold back and burst into tears of devotion and gratitude. I wept like a baby in a sea of uncontrollable tears of joy and indescribable love toward everyone in my life who had helped me in many ways.
I mentally thanked every person who had helped me in this life and thanked Mohanji and Baba for this wonderful experience of gratitude. I had only read previously in the Shirdi Sai Satcharitra about how certain devotees would experience an extreme feeling of devotion while being with Baba, and here I was, in a completely different place and time, feeling those exact same feelings of being choked with gratitude and love for Mohanji, Baba and all the Masters! I cried and cried tears of joy for over 15-20 minutes after the session ended.
I had never before experienced such a powerful wave of gratitude in my life and felt extremely lucky to have experienced it. Along with the happy tears of joy, devotion, and gratitude, I also felt guilty about not always expressing my gratitude directly to people for their help and assistance. I made a mental note to make sure that in the future, I express my thanks to people for anything that they have done for me, however small or big the favor might have been.
Day 3 was revelatory and beautiful in its own way; it was perhaps the pinnacle of all the 5 days of the retreat. CGB in the morning, again when I was lying in Shavasana after the process, I felt a total sense of relaxation and freedom. This feeling of total peace was even more powerful than what I had felt the previous day after CGB. One thing I noted afterward was that when you are in this blissfully relaxed state, you are completely immersed in it and are able to experience it totally and fully as it happens, without any interference from the mind or thoughts. I had always wondered throughout my life as to what “Being in the present” really meant and was grateful to actually experience it first-hand (and perhaps for the first time in my life) after CGB.
Shortly after CGB and breakfast, I went to the beautiful picture of Mohanji at the Empowered tent and touched his feet as usual. I had somehow developed a sense of love towards that majestic portrait of Mohanji dressed in a white kurta and dhoti, with a deeply serious yet loving look on his face, as if to reassure everyone, “Don’t worry, I am with you.” It had become my habit to get up after every process or meditation session to touch Mohanji’s feet in the picture and seek his blessings.
I did this and went back to my seat to prepare for some quiet meditation. As soon as I closed my eyes to meditate, I had the most incredible vision ever!! I clearly saw Mohanji as Lord Shiva, wearing a dark black robe of animal skin, with long flowing dreadlocks/ matted hair (Jatadhara) and a trident (Trishulam) in his right hand, walking towards me. Even though the vision lasted only for a few seconds, it was extremely powerful and deeply moved me. I felt extremely fortunate to have seen my Mohana Shiva in his divine, regal splendour. It was enchanting and beautiful (and why not? The name Mohan itself means enchanting/captivating!).
I was speechless for a while after this vision and quickly opened my eyes, only to settle back on the picture of Mohanji dressed in white. Just then, the depth of what I saw really hit me. I thought, “Mohanji is not only my Guru and one who has experienced God; he is actually God Incarnate, Lord Shiva himself! Due to my feeling of illusion (Maya), I have not been able to so far experience Mohanji in his truly majestic multi-dimensional state, brighter than a million suns. But he has now been so gracious to give me a snippet, a small whiff of his expanded nature today. I am extremely lucky!”
Later that day, we had the guided ‘Detachment from Senses’ process, which was very powerful. I was always someone who would constantly feel distracted by external sounds while meditating. Therefore, this guided process really helped me understand the true meaning of moving your senses inward. During the process, I was successfully able to cut off from different senses like vision, sound, and smell.
Based on the trainer’s cues, I could tune out each of these senses one by one. At some point during this process, I had completely tuned myself out of the external world, and all I could feel was my heartbeat and the soft sound of my intake and exhaling breath. I did not feel anything else outside, like the noise of the fans in the tent, the sound of the birds chirping, or cars passing by. It was an amazing feeling of stillness for over 40 minutes, something I had never experienced before.
Since I had this feeling of guilt come up during the Group Mai-Tri the previous day, I wanted to have an individual Mai-Tri done to be able to let go of it. So, during the afternoon of Day 3, I had the Mai-Tri session, which was a wonderful experience as well. The practitioner told me that during the session, she could see a big, strong, heavily bolted, medieval-looking wooden door around my heart with some rocks around it and that Mohanji sent a big burst of energy to bust open this door and open my heart! I felt really grateful for this experience. I am continuing to feel the wonderful positive effects of Mohanji, which has opened my heart to this day.
Day 4 was August 1, 2024, my birthday. It was also special in the sense that this was the day that the Empowered participants would get the opportunity to take individual and group pictures with Mohanji after the satsang. The satsang itself was also unique in that Mohanji gave all the retreat participants a chance to connect to his Consciousness in His Presence.
It was amazing to connect to his consciousness with him, who was seated just a few feet away. I found that almost immediately, my thoughts reduced to almost nothing, and my mind became still. When the meditation was completed, I felt like just a few seconds had passed, but in reality, we had spent over 10 minutes connecting to Mohanji’s Consciousness! Many of the other participants felt the same; they were amazed at how time just flew by in a completely non-linear manner while meditating in his presence.
‘Detachment from senses’ was again practiced that day. Again, I successfully tuned out external sensory inputs and focused on going inward. In fact, when the trainer apologized to us for the excessive noise during the process due to people opening and closing doors while entering and leaving the satsang hall where we were, I was bewildered because I had not heard anything at all, not the constant opening and closing of doors, and not even the hum of the AC in the hall!
Group Mai-Tri was also part of the agenda that day. My experience this time was completely different. This time, from the beginning of the session to the end, I could continuously feel an intense vibration/feeling in my third eye. At some point during the session, I felt like an intense blast of energy had hit me, almost as though I was hit by a massive truck! But this energy made me feel extremely fresh and active, and soon after the Mai-Tri, I did not feel like taking a rest; I wanted to be up and about and went out for a walk, feeling energized and fresh.
Earlier in the day, after the satsang, it was time for photos, and we had a lot of fun, especially posing for the group drone shots and our individual pictures. After the satsang, Mohanji went back into the residence; I realized that I had completely forgotten to tell him that it was my birthday! I chided myself a little for this oversight but felt consoled that I had at least gotten the more important opportunity to connect directly with his consciousness on my birthday. However, I have read a number of times in the Shirdi Sai Satcharitra that if the devotee has something important to share with the Guru, the Guru will make sure that he will have the devotee share that with him, come what may!
So here is the little leela (divine play) that Mohanji played, in typical Shirdi Sai Baba fashion. All of a sudden, in the late afternoon, just before dinner, Mohanji suddenly appeared outside of the residence with a few of the media team for a photo shoot because the weather was perfect that day for it. I was outside the residence when he came out, so I went up to him. Seizing my opportunity, I told him, “Mohanji, sorry to bother you; I just wanted to ask you something. It is my birthday today; can I please do Namaskaram (prostration) to you?”
Mohanji, in his sweet way, said, “Yes, of course.” I did a Shastanga Namaskaram (bowing with all limbs fully stretched) to Mohanji, and he blessed me. I felt grateful and rewarded for this experience. Then he said, “Why didn’t you tell us before that it was your birthday? We could have cut a cake!” I said, “Mohanji, no, it’s okay, the Namaskaram was good enough for me,” to which he replied with his beautiful wit, “Yes, for you, Namaskaram is good, but everyone else needs to eat cake!”
By then, a big group of devotees had gathered around the residence, and he asked one of the volunteers to bring out something. We found that it was a sample of the special Mohanji perfume that Dominic Venton, a disciple of Mohanji from the UK, had recently created. Mohanji then began spraying each of us with a squirt of the perfume. He sprayed me and a few others around the heart area. Another beautiful leela and blessing on my birthday, and more importantly, a confirmation that he had indeed opened my heart the previous day during the individual Mai-Tri!
Day 5 was equally wonderful and poignant. We were extremely fortunate to receive Shaktipat from Mohanji in the morning. At that time, I told him, “Mohanji, I am just now beginning to experience your full stature.” Mohanji replied, “Yes, but you have a lot more to experience.” All I could do was agree! Seeing Mohanji as my Mohana Shiva and experiencing the opening of my heart through his energy was just the tip of the iceberg. I knew that I would definitely continue to have more such experiences with my Mohana Shiva.
We all wished him a happy journey in the early afternoon, as he had to leave the MCB to travel that day. I meditated for the rest of the afternoon, and at around 3:00 pm, I got up from the satsang hall to go to the temple. Again, when I saw Mohanji and Sathya Sai Baba’s beautiful portraits in the temple, I felt a wave of devotion and gratitude and was choked with tears of joy. I thanked Swami and Mohanji for these wonderful Empowered 5 experiences, and this is when I had a wonderful inspiration.
Something inside me told me that I needed to write a bhajan that summarized my experiences of seeing my Sai Mohana Shiva at Empowered 5. I knew that this bhajan had to be in the Carnatic music raga Mohanam in honor of Mohanji. The tune and words flowed to me very quickly, and within 30-40 minutes, I had finished composing the song and even recorded the audio on my phone, lest I forget it (I have not and will not ever forget it. This song is forever etched in my memory! As a side note, I am motivated to record it and upload it on YouTube and will do so soon). The lyrics and translation of the song are as follows:
Jaya Jaya Sai Mohana Shiva
Sundara Sai Saamba Shiva
Jaya Jaya Sai Trinetra Shiva
Jaya Jaya Sai Aatma Shiva
Victory to Lord Sai, the Enchanting, charming Shiva!
O handsome Sai Shiva, accompanied by Maa Parvati,
Victory to You, Lord Sai Shiva, the three-eyed one!
Victory to You, Lord Sai Shiva, who lives in my heart as my Aatma!
I remember being in a deep state of gratitude, joy, and happiness, with tears constantly running down my cheeks as the song and its lyrics came through. I knew that my Mohana Shiva himself wrote the song and that I was just his instrument. At that point, I realized something deep and beautiful – Mohanji was not only my Guru, Master, and God, but he was also my Amma (mother)! It can only be a mother who treats her children with such unconditional love! My experiences of Mohanji’s love during Empowered 5 were really my experience of Mohanji’s motherly love. Only a mother can be so kind and sweet! So Mohanji is really my Amma!
Indeed. This word Amma carries a very deep significance to me. I have only called 4 beings “Amma” with full love in this lifetime – my own biological mother, Mother Ambika (who represents the Shakti aspect of creation and the deities Durga, Lakshmi, and Saraswathi), Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba and now, Bhagawan Mohanji. My biological mother has always given me her unconditional love and has always been there for me, sacrificing everything for my own sake.
I was raised as a devotee of Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba, thanks to her and my maternal grandmother. When my wife and I had not conceived a child after many years of marriage, I finally broke down once in front of a picture of Sathya Sai Baba and said to Him, “Swami, You are my Amma, Your unconditional love is greater than that of a thousand mothers. Please bless us with a child!” Swami’s heart must have melted, for he blessed us with a wonderful daughter soon after I addressed him as my Amma.
We named our daughter Ambika, in honour of the divine Universal Mother; we had worshipped and prayed to Goddess Garbarakshambika and Goddess Lalitambika while trying to conceive. And now, during Empowered 5, I called Mohanji my Amma with full love and devotion for I realized that it can only be a mother who can grace her child with a vision of herself as the eternal Shiva!
The next day, as we (with wife and daughter) headed back home to Canada from Virginia, I was in the driver’s seat, and to keep myself alert during the drive, I decided to sing a few Sai bhajans as I usually do on long road trips. I found that every time I sang any bhajan, the deep feelings of love and devotion would well up and explode in the form of tears of joy. It started off with the Ganesh bhajan. When I was midway through it, I started to choke into tears of gratitude.
Then, when I sang a Devi bhajan, I felt the motherly love of Mohanji and felt deeply moved by it. When I sang a Krishna bhajan, I could feel Krishna playing the flute and captivating the hearts of everyone. My level of devotion rose to a crescendo when I sang this Sarva Dharma (unity of all faiths) bhajan in raag Ahir Bhairav (one of my favorite bhajans, by the way).
While singing this song, we were driving through a mountainous region in Pennsylvania. I had tears streaming down my cheeks and was consumed by devotion and gratitude. I felt so happy that I wanted to climb up one of those mountains and shout from the top, Mohanji loves me! Mohanji is all Masters and all Gods! Mohanji is love! I am love! I am home! When I shared these feelings with my wife, she thought that I had gone crazy, and as she put it, I was in a state of “God Drunkenness.”
It has been a while since Empowered 5 concluded, but my “God Drunkenness” has persisted. Even now, I feel so lucky and grateful to have experienced Mohanji’s infinite divinity at Empowered 5. I feel the significance of Mohanji opening my heart center every day. I feel lighter, more cheerful, and happy. Every time I sing a bhajan, I get deeply moved by the feeling and the meaning.
Mohanji mentions you can only understand what you gain while you are on the Path by what you lose. Before Empowered 5 began, I was highly insecure, with a number of anxieties about the future. I lost many of these feelings after Empowered 5 and now feel more at ease because my Mohana Shiva is always with me and taking care of everything. Earlier, I did not know about devotion. Since my Mohana Shiva opened my heart during Empowered 5, I love and feel God’s love more. My faith in Mohanji is firm, and I don’t want to get bogged down by guilt and regret.
My Mohana Shiva has given me a clear sense of purpose and meaning. Before I started Empowered 1-5, I was a “part-time devotee,” as Sathya Sai Baba would say. Initially, spirituality was not the driving force in my life, and my connection to God was transactional. After Empowered 5, I am more of a “full-time devotee” or spiritual seeker. My Mohana Shiva has instilled in me through Empowered 5 that my objective in this birth should be dissolution. He has taught me to keep things simple – discharge my duties (Dharma), share what I have in abundance (Seva), and sincerely connect to myself through his consciousness and ultimately dissolve (Moksha).
I love you, my Mohana Shiva!
|| JAI BRAHMARISHI MOHANJI ||
Edited & Published by – Testimonials Team, 7th November 2024
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