From self-hate to self-acceptance

By Nikolina Dragojević, Serbia

It was my fifth year at the Bosnian Pyramids with Mohanji. Just like every other program with Mohanji (and being on this path), a lot of acceptance and flexibility is required to pull off the logistics… 100+ participants, 10+ locations, unpredictable weather and our flexibility being tested.

One nice morning, I woke up with my throat completely closed. ‘Closed’ meaning I couldn’t swallow anything: food, water, not even my saliva. I wasn’t surprised as I have been struggling with my throat for many years already and this has happened before, 3 years ago, at the Bosnian Pyramids as well.

That year in 2016, I managed to get through the entire 5-day program only with the IV (intravenous) therapy – no food/water/supplements. My energy was high, my mood was great like nothing was happening, I managed to climb all the pyramids with no struggle. What would be the usual reaction to that? Impossible.

But, ‘impossible’ does not exist in the dictionary of Mohanji’s Path. 

This 2019, the same thing happened in the middle of the program. I just woke up one day and couldn’t swallow. Not surprised at all, because I was aware of some internal battles happening that might cause this.

I went for 2 days without food and water before we decided it was time to get IV therapy and ask Mohanji what to do.

I knew what the trigger was. A few days before the Bosnian Pyramids program, I was in a situation where I felt like I didn’t do any good, I failed, I wasn’t good enough, I was misunderstood, not accepted for who I was, all sorts of insecurities were coming to the surface.

As advised by Mohanji, we called Zoran, an amazing man and a great kinesiologist from Sarajevo, who did the treatment and told me things that were lying deep inside me causing this reaction.

The following morning it was time to decide if I should continue travelling with Mohanji and go to Slovenia, as the team there needed support for the upcoming program, or if I should go back home to Serbia.

Going to Slovenia was risky as there was no one to give me IV and I didn’t have insurance. Plus it’s a very long journey of more than 8 hours and I hadn’t eaten for 4 days… but I would travel with Mohanji.

When we asked Him what to do, He insisted that it was up to me and how my body felt.

“You should not suffer; you should do what’s natural to you.”

(Just the night before  Zoran and I had discussed how indecisive I was, and here I was in a position to make a big decision. )

But Mohanji also gave me the biggest lecture and so much clarity as to why this was happening. The situation mentioned earlier was just a trigger. But the cause lay much deeper. My self-hate and lack of self-acceptance were causing this. I was punishing my body and denying food and water to my body, not taking care of myself. Self-criticizing, self-judging, self-hating. On the opposite side is self-acceptance.

Mohanji will not interfere with my karmic constitution, but He is giving me a platform which I can use to change that. Now. Self-acceptance. Stop with criticizing, comparing, judging myself and others. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I just need to make one conscious decision. Self-acceptance.

When we have accepted ourselves, life becomes purposeful. We become Purpose. Power.

My eyes were full of tears. Every single word was hitting hard and straight in the centre. He is giving a platform, He is giving energy, He is empowering us. But we need to take that one step.

How often do you meet someone who is straight to the point, so honest, open and direct? And giving you just what you need at that point. Probably more than what we are even aware of and able to understand. Will we ever be able to understand?

I had a big urge to go to Slovenia but now I wasn’t sure if I was being masochistic (and choosing to suffer) or I really should go. With a little push by lovely friends, I decided to have more faith, surrender, and go to Slovenia.

With a hidden smile on His face when Mohanji said, “Very good” I knew; whatever happened, it was going to be okay.

Devi was sitting in the car seat next to me, just in case, I needed Mai-Tri session on the way. Somewhere halfway, I started feeling nausea and weakness. Devi started with Mai-Tri and I was feeling worse by the second. Nausea was getting stronger and stronger.

I used to constantly wonder how I would vomit with this tight throat and oesophagus, was it even possible, would I choke… And here I was, in the car, on the way to Slovenia, with a completely closed throat and a strong urge to vomit. With so much pain and not being able to breathe properly, thoughts of panic started coming up. At that moment, I was just telling myself ‘But He is sitting in front of you, what could happen to you?’ I was getting calmer, started vomiting and all of a sudden, the pain was gone. We took a quick break at the petrol station and there was me wondering if I could vomit which also meant that I could swallow as well, right? And yes, I could. 🙂 My throat opened up and I could have a cup of tea after 4 days of being without food and water. What a blessing!

It’s not just that He is there holding our hand all the way, helping us, guiding us, but He is there to empower us to deal with all our insecurities and fears.

I know there is still a long way for me to go. I could feel a lot of blockages still in my body, in my throat.

I could swallow but not nearly as well as before the trip to Bosnia.

I went back home and started contemplating on everything He told me in Bosnia.

‘Self-acceptance. More positivity. No judging. No criticizing. No comparing. Take care of yourself so that you can give unconditionally to others.’

All my non-acceptance and self-hate peaked the moment I was told I won’t be able to go to Kailash.

Every single negative thought that was there come to the surface. Every single one.

‘I’m not worth it, I’m not good enough. I’m not doing enough. I don’t even belong to this Path. Why am I here? What for? Do I need all of this in my life? What’s the purpose?’ I started comparing myself to others. I started feeling resentment towards some close people from the team.  Why was I even given the hope that there was a chance for me to go?

I had a meeting that I needed to attend at that time and I was on edge, not wanting to pick up the call. Why? Why would I do this? I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want it.

Tears were running down my face as never before. Negative thoughts were suffocating me. I cried uncontrollably and was overwhelmed by sadness. I could never have imagined I would react in this way. I couldn’t believe what was happening.

 

But one thing in me was strong – awareness. I could feel and differentiate the negative thoughts that were mine and those negative thoughts that were coming from outside. I had the awareness that all those comparisons and resentment wasn’t mine. And I was able to discard it. I was aware that this shall pass as well. I had the awareness that there was a bigger picture to all this. I had the awareness that this was a big cleansing; a big test for me.

I managed to get up, take the call, complete the meeting as though nothing had happened. Then went back to bed to cry.

The next day I woke up feeling a little sad but much better. I had a Mai-Tri session with Milica. There was so much clarity. I felt so much positivity. I felt so much lighter. Like something big had fallen off my shoulders. I knew what I had to do. Just to have faith and keep moving, keep walking, accepting myself.

That night I woke up with the feeling I have something in my mouth. I thought it was the homoeopathic medicine that I had taken before going to bed. But when I took it out, it was a stapler pin! Metal stapler pin. I was shocked. I remember very well brushing my teeth before bed, drinking water, taking homoeopathic medicine. There was no way this could appear in my mouth from some food.

My first thought was ‘Oh my God what would have happened if this went through my throat?’

I started feeling grateful to Mohanji for always taking care of me and being there for me.

The following day when Milica spoke, I was told that it was a huge cleansing, some heavy energies were released and that was why the pin had appeared in my mouth.

Along with that big sign, that huge blockages were being removed, there were little signs as well that showed me I was trying, I was doing something for myself, I was taking that one step forward. I started drinking more water, and everyone who knows me knows that I would never drink, even 1l of water in 2-3 days. I stopped eating sugar, and everyone knows I’m the biggest sugar addict. I just adore chocolate!

And the biggest shock of all, I signed up for yoga classes. In February 2019 during HSTY Teacher Training, the team was unable to convince me to do even 5 minutes of yoga in 10 days. And here I was starting yoga classes.

It was always clear to me that being with Mohanji means fire. It’s always challenging, pushing the mind’s boundaries. But despite the tough times, I remain here because I know why I’m here. He gives strength, He gives awareness. He empowers us to go through ups and downs to (re-) discover the higher Self. He provides the possibilities and platforms for us to progress in life, to serve, to clear our garbage, to develop what we need and drop off what we don’t need, to grow.

He gives us everything we need, at the given moment, as per our capacity, without us asking for anything, even though we might not understand at that point.

Sometimes it might not be easy, especially when tough situations happen. But I remain here, despite all the challenges.

It is up to us to use this opportunity in the best possible way.

|| JAI BRAHMARISHI MOHANJI||

Compiled, Edited & Published by – Testimonials Team, 8^th August 2019

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