by Ivana Mrdak, Serbia
“The transformation from darkness to light takes no time. All you need is the will and the willingness. Darkness cannot resist light.”
-Mohanji, Məst
For a long time—lifetimes even—I was caught in darkness. It’s a common belief that one needs to die and go to some other realm to experience darkness. But that’s not quite true—this realm also offers plenty of opportunities for that. Still, this blog is about the path back to light, so I’ll fast forward to that part, with just a bit of background story to set the scene.
Side note: I know I’m bringing up a dark and uncomfortable subject, so I hesitated to write this blog for a long time. But we shouldn’t shy away from these things—lessons from such experiences are an essential part of a spiritual journey. So please stick with me. Spoiler alert: This story has a happy ending.
The Cycle of Pain and the Unconscious Choices
Life after life, I kept choosing the same set of experiences—the same kind of “torture.” I imagine many of you paused at the word “choosing.” Who would willingly choose pain? Well…
People often unconsciously try to rewrite the wrongs of their past by stepping into similar dynamics, hoping for a different outcome. But it always ends up the same because we operate on the same patterns, make the same choices, and then wonder why the same things keep happening. And so, we get stuck in that cycle.
At some point, I became aware of the loop—repeating the same painful experiences by acting from the same negative emotions, fears, and patterns. What kept me trapped wasn’t punishment from the outside—it was my own guilt, my own resistance to stepping back into the light I had once turned away from.
When I finally decided I had enough of the (self-)torture and deeply wished to be free, things began to shift. That moment of surrender was the turning point. The Masters, who had always respected my free will, could finally intervene. And with their help, I came into this life with a clear choice: to walk a different path.
The Struggle to Embrace the Light
But the story doesn’t end there. Just because I had chosen to leave the darkness didn’t mean it had let go of me. There were still echoes of it within me—unresolved memories, fears, emotions, and, as I would soon realize, some dark energies I had picked up in my past endeavours. They had been connected to me for generations and weren’t too happy about my plan to “switch sides.”
My past history, which I was not aware of at the time, was making it hard for me to get close to the light again. I was still full of regret, guilt, and feelings that I didn’t belong there. One hears all these amazing stories about how people connect to a Master and the path right away, how they knew immediately that he or she was “The One.”
My experience was very different: when I looked into Mohanji‘s eyes in person for the first time, I felt a strong urge to run away and hide as far away as possible. I was overwhelmed with shame and a sense of unworthiness to even be in his presence. With many people around, I couldn’t leave, so I just sat down and started crying.
At the time, I couldn’t understand why I was feeling any of this, but despite it all, I stayed around. I continued to come to satsangs and programs as much as I could. I was introduced to many spiritual practices and energetic cleansing processes and remained consistent. I also spent a few months in India, where I visited many sacred places, spent time in Mohanji‘s presence, and even had the opportunity to serve him directly.
All this was giving results — I was feeling better in my own skin, more stable, happier, freer. As my cleansing was happening, releasing me from many heavy emotions, fears, and attachments, some of my past memories also started to surface, and the puzzling feelings from the beginning began to make sense. Things were getting better… until they started to get worse.
I had gotten too close to the light, and those dark energies I mentioned earlier —of which I was soon to become fully aware—didn’t like it. They started bringing all the weapons in their arsenal in an attempt to get me back.
Things gradually started to get really bad: I was depressed, battling with intense fears and panic attacks. I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t see the light for many days. I was exhausted on every level. It felt as if someone had pulled the shutters down and started playing horror movies in my head made up of all my worst memories, fears, insecurities, and unfulfilled desires, magnified many times over.
I was trying to keep it together and continue with my daily life without anyone noticing what I was going through. It’s not something you can easily discuss with others — either they won’t believe you and may try to put you in a mental institution, or they’ll get scared themselves, neither of which is helpful.
The Support That Helped Me Break Free
While going through all of that, I had the support of a few people: a very good Mai-Tri practitioner, a friend who had gone through a similar situation, and, of course, Mohanji’s spiritual support. I was learning how to battle all of it — I intensified my practices, had regular energy healings, and often went to the Mohanji Peace Center, just an hour’s drive from my home. That place is rejuvenating; as it turned out, low-frequency energies and entities cannot enter it. It gave me much-needed rest, a “lighter” head, and additional cleansing.
I was learning to be less and less affected by the negativity I was feeling — and, most importantly, to hold firmly onto Mohanji and my connection to the light, no matter what. Around that time, a new pilgrimage was announced — Kailash with Mohanji 2023.
I was never particularly drawn to Kailash before. But this time, I felt a deep, undeniable pull — not even a feeling, but more like a message straight from the soul. The closest word would be happiness, but it was much stronger. It is said the soul usually just follows along, but if it ever spoke, it was now: “Do not miss this opportunity. You have been waiting for it for lifetimes!”
I knew that Kailash could help me break free from the ties I still had to the dark past — if I did it right. As the journey approached, what I needed to do became clearer and clearer.
The Kailash Pilgrimage
For those unfamiliar with a Kailash pilgrimage, here’s a short introduction:
Pilgrims walk a 52 km path around Mount Kailash (called parikrama), usually over three days. The journey is extremely demanding, not only because of the rough terrain, unpredictable weather, and lack of comfortable facilities but especially due to the high altitudes, which make oxygen levels very scarce. People usually take horses to help them along the way. Due to these harsh conditions, many are not allowed even to attempt the walk, but even a mere sight (darshan) of Kailash is said to be a blessing of lifetimes.
But I knew I had to walk the entire way. It wasn’t out of ego — it was a clear inner instruction: if I wanted to receive the blessings I came for, I had to walk the full path, relying only on Shiva, Mohanji, and myself—no horse, not even as a backup. And I knew that I would receive whatever I was going there for during the parikrama itself. And that’s exactly how it happened.
The 5-kilometer climb to the highest point, Dolma La Pass, was the toughest test. I later learned that it’s where most people are challenged to their limits, and many turn back. But once it is crossed, there’s no return: the circle needs to be completed one way or another. While climbing, I knew nothing about the “Dolma La test.” I only knew, with absolute certainty, that I had to reach it.
Already weakened by hypoxia, I focused all my willpower on taking just the next step. I left the remaining 17 kilometers after Dolma La Pass in the hands of Mohanji and Shiva. At that point, even a single step felt almost beyond me.
Crossing the Border Back to Light
When I finally reached Dolma La Pass, I felt relieved. I knew I had done my part. Something changed immediately. Crossing Dolma La Pass was crossing a border back to the land of light!
As I mentioned, I had been stuck in darkness for a very long time. Later, I managed to leave that dark place, but the light still felt uncomfortable—I didn’t feel like I belonged or deserved to be in it. I was in a “No-Man’s land,” somewhere between darkness and light. And now, finally, I had crossed the border into the land of light—and I felt that I had come home after a very long time to where I truly belonged.
Usually, it takes time for people to notice changes after the Kailash pilgrimage, but for me, it was instant—others from the group even came to me that same day, saying I looked completely different and lighter.
After returning from Kailash, it took a few more months for the dark energies and the past residues to leave me completely. But I knew that they no longer had a grip on me.
Many things started changing in my life —some people who had given me a hard time before suddenly started being nice to me; charity and social benefit projects I had long tried to launch finally succeeded —and this was a first! I had been trying to do good for the world for many years, but my efforts would always get blocked. Now, everything started blossoming. Most importantly, my connection to the light, Mohanji, and the Masters was finally stable and stronger than ever — and the old guilt and sense of unworthiness were gone entirely.
The Grace of Return
Kailash was one of the key moments in this journey back to the light, but many factors led to this point. The most significant of these was Mohanji’s presence in my life, my faith, and the strength of our connection; his immense grace and support; the blessings of the Masters of Tradition who sent him to me; and, of course, my strong desire and determination to be free again, which allowed this grace to manifest.
I will be forever grateful to Mohanji and the Masters of Light for their transformative grace, unconditional love, and unwavering support that brought me back. Even when I was in darkness and unable to perceive them, the Masters were always there, silently guarding me, patiently waiting for me to turn around. Though often unseen, their presence was the guiding force that helped me break free and return to the light. For that, I will be eternally grateful!
I’ve often wondered what might have happened if I had never strayed from the path, never fallen from grace into darkness. I could have spared myself a great deal of suffering and many lifetimes. But now, I see it all as part of the greater journey of existence—a necessary part of my growth.
As Mohanji wisely said, “Darkness is a must so that you know the value of light.” Without the fall, I would not have gained the strength, maturity, and clarity I carry today. Some lessons must be learned the hard way — and I’ve certainly learned mine. I no longer stray and now have a clear sense of purpose and direction. After all, isn’t it just part of the grand illusion (Maya), even the fall from grace?
|| JAI BRAHMARISHI MOHANJI ||
Edited & Published by – Testimonials Team, 27th May 2025
Disclaimer:
The views, opinions, and positions expressed by the authors and those providing comments on these blogs are theirs alone and do not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or positions of Mohanji, Mohanji Foundation, it’s members, employees or any other individual or entity associated with Mohanji or Mohanji Foundation. We make no representations as to accuracy, completeness, timeliness, suitability or validity of any information presented by individual authors and/or commenters on our blogs and will not be liable for any errors, omissions, or delays in this information or any losses, injuries or damages arising from its display or use.
We reserve the right to delete, edit, or alter in any manner we see fit blog entries or comments that we, in our sole discretion, deem to be obscene, offensive, defamatory, threatening, in violation of trademark, copyright or other laws, of an express commercial nature, or otherwise unacceptable.
Mohanji Testimonials team