The Kailash Within

by Deloshni Govender

When I started following Mohanji in 2013, I never knew the Grace which was in store for me. Someone should have turned on the sign so that I could fasten my seatbelt! At the outset, it seemed like a run of the mill encounter with a Master whom I chose to follow. Ego allowed me the luxury of thinking that I did the choosing.

Since meeting and following Babaji (Mohanji), I had an intense urge to accompany him on his yatra (pilgrimage) to Kailash. Grace kept me unaware of the trip in 2014. When we had a Skype call with him in early 2015, I voiced my desire. He said nothing more than to find the Kailash within. My mind said that I will still go later in the year as there will probably be a yatra. The year saw devastating earthquakes and I realised then what the Master meant. He knew at the beginning of the year that the yatra will not happen. Being a new bhakta (follower), I was mildly impressed as I had never been exposed to any of his leelas (divine plays) at this stage.

When the yatra for 2016 was announced, my heart did a lurch. Here was my opportunity! I will go to Kailash! As the application deadline approached, I realised with a sinking heart that this yatra too may not happen for me. I was not prepared to go into debt to make this yatra a possibility. I must also add that I have a tendency to put my dreams last. Every possibility that presented itself was shot down as fast as it appeared. I finally resigned myself to not even applying as I knew that the costs will exceed my budget. But I knew in my heart that if Babaji said the words “Come to Kailash!”, I would do anything possible to go.

In May 2016, we were ecstatic to have Babaji with us in SA. At a private breakfast, the topic of Kailash was brought up. Babaji asked me if I am going to Kailash and I responded in the negative. He asked me if I had read the book “Kailash with Mohanji” and I replied that I had not. His response was a firm “You should”. With that he changed the topic. I was gutted. Baba didn’t say that I should come and even worse he asked me to read a book which would just increase my desire to be with him at Kailash. I always follow Baba’s instructions but this was one instruction my heart could not bear to follow.

In July, Warren shared a post on the family group chat. I read it in tears but the dam really broke down when I saw that the excerpt was from the book “Kailash with Mohanji”. This created a strong need to buy the book online and begin reading. Just reading the introduction I understood why Babaji wanted me to read this book! It spoke of people who also travelled with Babaji to Kailash in spirit.

I began savouring the book page by page and realised, more and more, how Babaji carries his bhaktas with him in spirit to Kailash. The only problem was how I could become an eligible bhakta. How could I ensure that I was one of those destined to travel with Baba in spirit? How would this insignificant speck of dust ever dare to request such grace? My mind made sure that I knew that I may not be one of the eligible ones. I was, after all, not that special and I have done nothing special to warrant such grace.

I started having weird flu-like symptoms and intense bouts of fever, where I would have to just leave work and go home. I went to the doctor who said I had absolutely normal medical stats. Besides a mild post nasal drip, she could find nothing which would bring on fevers and utter fatigue. I slept for more than 13 hours at a time which is incredibly unusual for me. I messaged Swami Mohana Bhaktananda Bharati who comforted me and jovially said that he loves it when medical science is baffled. My journey to Kailash had unknowingly begun!

We began planning for Swami’s visit to Johannesburg and I was so unwell that I planned on attending the first day programme for an hour and then just going home to rest. During the introduction, Swami played a bhajan for us to dance to. My heart chakra heated up and this warmth expanded to my entire body. I immediately began feeling better and stayed the rest of the programme.

The second day began with a Havan for all Kailash yatris and I chose to attend. During the Havan, I saw Swami’s eyes change in expression many times as each deity was invoked. I was in utter bliss participating in the havan. We all had some of the fruit that was offered to Babaji. I had a little but could not eat more than a piece or two.

Lunch was served. For some inexplicable, petty reason, I became upset and refused to take a meal. I could not bear to be around people so I took a walk to my car and just sat there chanting Baba’s mantra for a while to calm this unshakeable irritation. Thus began my detachment from the world and my fast for Kailash. I would not have been able to travel with a heavy meal. I went back in and took my seat for the Satsang with Swami and I saw Swami give me an intense look from metres away in the dining room where he was eating. I was embarrassed as I felt that maybe he had picked up on my irritation.

I enjoyed the Satsang and the bhajans which followed. I went deep into each song and it felt like I was being carried somewhere far as each deity was invoked even without my  willing it. Swami started giving Shaktipat to everyone and I was semi aware as each one went up to him. I was lost in the bhajans. The bhajans were indeed creating a very charged atmosphere. We started singing “Om Namah Shivaya” and the chant spontaneously somehow changed to “Om Parabrahma, Om Parabrahma, Om Parabrahma, Jai Mohanji!” I started feeling Babaji’s presence very strongly but this is normal at most of our meditations and bhajans.

Finally Ajay beckoned for me to receive Shaktipat and I felt myself get up and walk to Swami. He tied a sacred thread on my hand which he had brought from Vaishnodevi temple and began giving me Shaktipat. I remember still singing “Om Parabrahma, Om Parabrahma, Om Parabrahma, Jai Mohanji!” and this went on in my head. I felt a Devi energy rise within me almost like I was going to go into a trance. I became scared and opened my eyes. I looked straight into Swami’s intense eyes and he asked me to just relax. I felt protected and taken care of so I closed my eyes again and I felt myself grow and become SO strong. I felt like my leg was rising for a giant step and that I was turning within the vastness of the Universe. It was such an incredible feeling. I was powerful, protected, loved and in bliss. I later found out from Ami that I had indeed raised my leg physically and that I had indeed done a physical turn in Swami’s arms.

I sat down to enjoy the bhajans again and could not stop floating, it was like this intense energy kept rising within me. I staggered back to Swami and asked him to help. He put his hand on my heart chakra and I felt myself melt into nothingness and then come back into my body. I later found out that I did physically fall to the ground as well.

After this experience I felt light and in such intense bliss. Love just overflowed and this went on during Aarati and even after I went home. I could not take a proper meal until the next day. I could not sleep. I called Yugen the next day to enquire if they had reached Durban safely and he put the call on speaker so that I could speak to Swami. Swami indicated that my yearning was so great to do the parikrama (circumambulation) of Kailash that I had indeed walked around Kailash in that one turn.

Three days later during Kriya, I saw everything with crystal clear clarity. The inexplicable fevers and fatigue. Sleeping too much like my body was taking a huge strain. The reason I got upset and did not eat was in order to fast for what was coming. The turn in Swami’s arms and subsequent parikrama of Kailash. The moment when Swami touched my heart chakra and gave me shanti (peace) causing me to fall, was me indeed surrendering at the feet of Namashivaya. I became the petals at Babaji’s feet! Minutes after Kriya came the text from Swami saying that my experience should be shared. That Mohanji fulfilled my desire out of his mercy and grace. That Mohanji IS Kailash and that Mansarovar is His grace.

How do I know this to be true and not a figment of my always overactive imagination? Babaji says that it is how the experience changes you that allows you to know that it was real. I feel lighter and in perpetual bliss. I had three days of intense release. I would just cry continuously when I think of my love for Babaji and Swamiji. I had various emotions surface with intensity and then get released like I was burning Karma at a rapid rate. But most important, was the love that continuously flowed within me and outside of me. I just had explosions of love each time I thought of my Mohanji family. I was beaming huge smiles at strangers. I was in permanent gratitude for this existence. I felt like it was Diwali inside of me with fireworks and celebrations happening on an internal level.

Why do I write this? I want every single bhakta to know that no matter how insignificant YOU think you are, you are the world to Mohanji. I want you to know that if Mohanji can take this worthless piece of dust, make it shine and take it on a yatra of Kailash, he will do the same and more for you. I want you to know that Mohanji knows your heart’s desires before you are even consciously aware of them and that he makes it his duty to fulfil each of your wishes. I want you to know that I am NOTHING special, I have done no special sadhanas except that which Mohanji asks us all to do. I am the same as each of you and grace still flowed into my life. I have done nothing to earn this grace but such is the love of Mohanji that it flowed regardless into my life. I have been on my knees crying in gratitude for this grace and it’s my singular mission to make you believe that each of you are being carried in spirit on this yatra to Kailash as well. Just have eyes to see and a heart to receive, He will do the rest. Reach into the depths of your being and truly find the Kailash within.

Shared with the utmost love and gratitude at the lotus feet of my beloved Baba Mohanji. I cannot ever thank you in these earthly ways, I can only let my heart try to explain. My beloved Swami MBB, I feel the same about You. You have put so much into this being that words fail me. My darling spiritual sister Milica, your blessings brought me to Baba’s feet. I love the three of you so much I can only cry when I think of the extent!