By Rekha Murali, India
This year of the pandemic has been volatile yet transformative for most of us. We have all learnt to let go, accept life as is, adapt to the new ‘norm’. Amidst all this, we are still going through turmoil, upsets, emotional upheaval, and loss of possessions, positions and relationships.
It was no different for me. The year did not begin well as I’d lost my dear brother-in-law to Covid, and it was not easy. I was helpless watching my sister go through the pain. I was also going through a state of helplessness, and fear crept in on the impermanence of life. Apart from these, there have been many more compelling tests that I am not comfortable articulating. I was being pulled into a vortex of emotions, although my dear Mohanji stood tall looking after me and guiding me. I was deeply involved in Acharya activities and was in a hyperactive mode flitting from one activity to another along with my regular work. This empowerment by Mohanji as an Acharya kept me going and I remained connected with my only source – Mohanji! I was steadfast and consistent with my Acharya work, was involved in all the global/country programs, and for Shivratri, conducted Conscious Gapless Breathing (CGB) for five days in a row. I mention this because it brought to the surface many pent up issues that needed clearing.
Soon, we fixed a date for my son’s marriage for the end of March. So I was in a flurry of activities, planning and organising the happy yet simple event amidst my other work. But I still found that I was emotionally being pulled down and would be in a frenzy in my alone time. I felt I was progressing very well as an Acharya, but at the same time, every few steps forward, I was also regressing a few steps backwards.
February dawned, and we (the testimonial team) had just finished editing the fourth volume of Guru Leela. I wrote a long message about my state to Mohanji, and I did not get any reply for the first time. Naturally, this upset me further, and I was in knots. The only thing that kept me going and balanced was the activities I was involved in. Keeping myself busy always gives me satisfaction, and that was the saving grace for me. I somehow did not share this state of affairs with anyone, knowing that Mohanji had my back and would walk with me. He is my all; every aspect of mine comes from him and merges into him.
It was also my birthday month, and 19th February 2021 was a memorable day etched in my heart forever. The previous day, I was in turmoil and extremely upset due to some personal issues and more than that, it was the culmination of the state of mind from previous months. CGB also aided in this process. Ultimately, I had a complete breakdown of sorts; I burst out crying amidst prayers to Mohanji to help overcome this mind and its affairs.
After the tremendous release through this bout of crying, I recognised that it would not help me and that I would have to pull myself up and approach everything with a positive outlook. Setting the alarm for 4:30 am, I tried to sleep and promised myself a good birthday year ahead. I promised myself a fresh start, pressing the reset button. Adding to this, I heard the delightful news that Mohanji wanted to speak with me. He was in Mumbai preparing for his trip to Turkey.
With barely any sleep, I woke up cheerfully to do my kriya and my other practices. The kriya practice was powerful and a huge cleansing experience. I felt the blessings of Mohanji, and I received a download of some verses in Tamil (a regional language of India), which took me by surprise. I quickly noted it down after completing my kriya. I want to share that I am not proficient in this language, and I can only read and speak. The words were new to me, but I wrote them down in English to not forget.
This was indeed my first birthday gift for the day as these verses were soon transformed into a beautiful song by our dear Manaswini and converted into a lovely video by Neelu Vepu with the blessings of Mohanji. Here is the link to the song with the meaning of the verses given as subtitles.
I was in a positive, happy frame of mind with a blissful feeling of Mohanji’s presence within me and a heart filled with gratitude. Soon, I got a text message from Subhasree that Guru Leela 4 was officially released by Mohanji and that I would get a signed copy of it. The book reached me precisely a month later (19th March). It was such a huge blessing. My second birthday gift!
Unfortunately, by mid-morning, I developed a severe migraine out of the blue. It was a raging tsunami, and I could just about pray to Mohanji for help, request for a Mai-Tri from dear Shyama and crash between bouts of vomiting and crying. At that point, it did not matter if Mohanji would call or not because my physical pain caused by the mind had taken complete control. Tossing and turning, every sane moment was a plea for help to Mohanji!
The biggest blessing of all was yet to come. Early in the evening, I was praying to Mohanji to take me away when I was at my worst physically, and the thought sprang up, “I am born alone and will die alone.” I brushed it aside, thinking it was a play of the mind, a mind wallowing in self-pity and loneliness.
Just then, my phone rang, and I heard the familiar, deep and loving voice at the other end apologising for not calling in the morning. It was a call I had been waiting for, and Mohanji’s voice was a balm for the tired soul.
Tears flowed, and I don’t remember if he even wished me for my birthday or if he knew. All that I remember was saying thank you and the message he conveyed. He told me I could ask him one question, and as usual, I had none at that time, but he kept speaking.
“You are born alone and will die alone. You don’t have anyone in this life. You have earned me in this life. Stay connected with me, and I will take care of you.”Mohanji
He also removed my anxieties regarding my son, “Your son is a fine young man, and you let him be. Be grateful to him for choosing you as his mother.”
He apologised for not messaging me earlier as he wanted to speak with me and said that he had telepathically sent messages in the morning. As usual, the dunce that I am, I could not recognise it, and when I told him, he said, “Doesn’t matter, it will reveal itself.” I wished him the best for his trip to Turkey.
I went straight to bed soon after in a daze and, after the wonderful Mai-Tri by Shyama, had a fitful sleep.
The next day was a rebirth for me – A new I! I wondered why Mohanji called me on that day and soon realised a connection was made to remove something from deep within me. I weighed myself that morning and found I’d lost two kgs overnight! Indeed a visible sign of his blessings!
The few minutes had probably removed lifetimes of karma. Subsequently, vivid dreams in the past few months have revealed how Mohanji has broken some unknown patterns of lifetimes which I would have never been aware of otherwise! Through this, he has assured me that I am on the path of liberation.
This entire experience was a lesson on stability, having shaken me from the roots. Staying stable, steadfast with conviction and staying connected with the source was the key. (Incidentally, this blog is also being published on 19th.)
Every wish that I have is continually being fulfilled, however subtle or commonplace it may be. He has given me everything, yet my heart yearns for his physical presence, although I am strongly connected with his consciousness.
Kya Karein! Yeh Dil Maange More! (What to do! This heart asks for more!)
My heartfelt gratitude to you, dear Mohanji, for never leaving my hand!
Edited & Published by – Testimonials Team, 19th August 2021
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