Anonymous Testimonial. Translated by: Maja Otovic
How I rose above the suicidal thoughts with Mohanji’s help…
Since 2015, I have been feeling tired of this life. I was only 23 years old. University, family, and private life all seemed all right, but nothing was ok upon a deeper look. All of these aspects of my life were filled with hardships, struggles, problems and existential uncertainty, creating anxiety in me.
For that reason, I did not feel like living. Just thinking about the future, I could not imagine myself as someone who was graduating from university, finding a job, a partner, having kids, working until retirement and then dying. It all seemed to be forced and unnecessary.
Who gave me this life? Who has forced me to live in this world full of suffering, selfishness and danger? Who conditions me to leave this world through some natural or destined death? Out of that feeling of impotence, the best solution seemed to be to take things into my hands and take my life away.
That’s how it was in my head, and to make things harder, each time I’d think about it, my heart would hurt, and I’d start crying. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, hide in solitude and wait for those thoughts to pass by. I knew that was not the way and that thinking this way was unhealthy, that the people who love me would suffer.
By the way, from 2015 up to 2018, this was on my mind almost daily. As if two people were living inside me: one that does not feel like living, and the other one suffering from such thoughts. Since 2018 it has been happening less and less, and up to this day, I watch my thoughts closely so that I don’t fall into the same trap.
How has Mohanji helped me free myself from those disturbing thoughts?
I heard about him at that same period; that is in the year 2015. I investigated about him trying to draw certain conclusions, as there was a peculiar curiosity in me to meet this man. I understood from my investigation that he is an authentic person and a humanitarian with a firm belief that the world can be a better place and that he is working on it.
It was in May 2016 that I first saw him. As he entered the room where some 50 people were waiting for the satsang to begin, I started crying all of a sudden. As the tears were rolling by themselves, in my head, a thought appeared: ‘The world is saved.’ Mohanji is someone who has made a decision, proven through each word and action of his, that he will serve the world, that he will shed light, peace and love on everyone who comes to him. And to this day, he sticks to his decision.
After that first encounter, I had an opportunity to attend various satsangs and personally talk to Mohanji. He gave me good advice that was applicable to all situations, offered a solution to my difficult state, and in the end, warned me about something that indeed came true.
I realized that the suicidal thoughts often ensued from the expectations of others, my expectations from myself, problems, existential fears, etc. I wanted to run away from it all. But, through understanding and accepting its root cause, I stopped feeling sad and instead focused on the true values. I’d ask myself: “Does that really matter?” The reasons for not living became irrelevant, secondary, imposed and ‘in my head,’ while the reality was different.
The purpose of serving the world has helped me, pushed me forward, and given me the strength to do even more than I thought I could. There is so much to do here, and I’ll give my best to make the lives of future generations better and happier.
As of our first conversation and up to this day, my life has been filled with purpose thanks to Mohanji, who is my friend, support, and guardian angel. In my free time, I volunteer in ACT Foundation, a humanitarian organization that Mohanji founded. It provides basic resources for all people and beings of the earth. ACT gives support, solace, hope and spreads love. Many of those close to Mohanji are not only my friends (and how much that means when you need a friend) but are available to the entire world (through Acharya programs, online chat on mohanji.org and other platforms founded and supported by him).
Nowadays, there seem to be difficulties, problems and struggles in my life, but it is not all that bad, and my heart is joyful. I have faith in dear God, and I’m grateful to him for giving me a life full of challenges and filling it with even more help and support.
A piece of advice for those who feel suicidal: for determining the cause and finding the way to rise above such thoughts, you can look for help from a psychotherapist or a spiritual master/priest. It goes deep, and one needs to dig deep within oneself and light up those dark corners. That’s why it’s important to have stable support and guidance.
And in the end, I share with you some of Mohanji’s quotes that were most important to me and that have been my refuge:
“Never give up on life.“
“Just keep moving.”
“You are love.”
|| JAI BRAHMARISHI MOHANJI ||
Edited & Published by – Testimonials Team, 20th January 2022
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Mohanji Testimonials team