When Days are Dark: Surviving the emotional storm


Written by Keshnie Pillay (South Africa)

Mohanji and Keshnie Shanon Pillai

I love the world and everything in it. I feel connected to it by the teachings of my beloved guruji. I hear his voice in the whispering wind, his laugh in the rumble of thunder and I feel his love in the gentleness of a misty rain. His teachings have cultivated in me a deep love and reverence for all things great and small.

I am of the belief that we incarnate on this magnificent planet numerous times because of our inherent love of the experience. It may be karmically determined but we are in love with this place. After all love is the true nature of the soul. So when we shed our physical self and we are purely soul our connection to Para Brahma surely reminds of that love. The highest consciousness in the universe surely chooses all experiences based on love. So we must be deeply in love with the earth and all its inhabitants for Paramathma to continuously choose to experience it.

Having said that I must admit that there are times when living here becomes exceptionally difficult. There are times when the cruelty and insensitivity of this existence becomes unbearable. Times when you feel so disconnected from the earth that you shed tears for your “home”. We feel that home is a far off place in the heavens. I call that the ET experience. Where you just want to call home and tell them to come get you.

I had such an experience last night (13/02/16-the night before Valentine’s Day). I was overcome with a deep sadness to live in a world where love is so terrestrial and fleeting. My heart ached to hear how love had been reduced to this superficiality of codependence and expectations. I had witnessed external shows of “love” all day. People willing to give off their money but not their time. People sending flowers to people they “loved” but not showing up to see them. People professing great love for their partners whilst walking passed a child begging on the street. It was like witnessing a crime.

I don’t know why I was so deeply affected. I was actually in crisis because on the one hand I felt I was grossly overreacting. On the other hand I felt like all the love in the world had disappeared and been replaced by the word love with no meaning behind it. It was empty. I was empty because I model my entire existence on love. I felt physically ill. I felt like I did not want to be part of a world that takes love to be a joke. A world where love was so fickle it could be bought and packaged for the masses.

In the depths of this despair I began chanting Mohanjis Gayatri mantra. I chanted the entire night. Through teary eyes I had asked Mohanji if how it was possible for me to continue in this world when I felt so detached from it. It was then that I heard, in that sensational and robust Mohanji voice, “I am always with you”. Clear as daylight. Still I argued “But Guruji I don’t feel you. I feel disconnected. Please help me. Please I need to get to you. Take me home”. The answer I got to that was still more spectacular: “You always have access to me through my consciousness. Continue chanting and you will reach me.”

My pillow had become Mohanji’s lap and I felt his hand over my head. I sobbed and chanted into my pillow. My pain had convinced me that I was disconnected but I chanted anyway. I awoke in the daze that usually follows a large emotional outburst. Confused and not altogether myself. However, a calm had come over me. The tumultuous storm had passed. I was peaceful but not completely settled. I felt alone and just a bit crazy for taking this abuse of the word love so seriously. Did I imagine the whole encounter with Mohanji? Was I just being overly emotional and sensitive?

It was then that I opened up my Facebook to this message (Abridged):
True LOVERS are UNCONDITIONAL Lovers. They are not bound by duality of existence. Their LOVE is ETERNAL. Terrestrial Love is often conditional and it is bound by time and mind. It is indeed a JOKE.
LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. Love all alike. All beings. All materials and places. All that are visible and invisible. All are YOU. Love YOURSELF and through you, LOVE ALL. HAPPY Valentines DAY… Love. Mohan Ji”

Mohanji and Keshnie Shanon Pillai 2

It was everything I had “spoken” to Mohanji about the night before – Explained in different words and in a candid and non judgmental way. Upon reading this I immediately messaged Mohanji to thank him. I explained briefly how I had felt the night before and thanked him generically without going into full details of my encounter. His response was immediate “I HEAR you always, my child. I never leave your hand”. I was moved to tears. So he did hear me. It wasn’t just in my head and I wasn’t certifiably insane.

The moral of this story, for me, is that there will be times when living is difficult. There will be times we feel disconnected and alone. It is in those times that we must hold on tighter to Mohanji. Rest assured that he carries us in the most difficult of times. Guruji has told me on many occasions that where there is the call of Bakthi, he is compelled to answer. There has never been a truer statement. He always answers the call of his Bakthas. Even when the pain gets too much, we always have a direct line to him. He’s just one call away.

This is just one small testimony.. A drop in the ocean of miraculous things that my wonderful Guruji has done for me.. Mohanji’s love is nourishing, healing and unconditional. It is the most perfect example of love in existence today.

So on this Valentine’s Day, I wish that you experience the joy and fulfillment that comes with complete surrender to Mohanji. I wish for you to experience the Unconditional Love of Mohanji.

You are loved…

Thank you for loving us Guruji

Forever your faithful servant

8 thoughts on “When Days are Dark: Surviving the emotional storm”

  1. What a remarkable ” love story” on a Valentine’ s day ! Really melting and ethereal !Really seeing a fraction of ” bhaktha Meera ” in this little flower from South Africa ! All Sadhana pales in to insignificance in front of true love ! My god- How many beautiful flowers on this planet !

  2. Hearing His voice in the” Whispers of the Wind ” , His Laughter in ” The rumble of Thunder ” , His Love and Gentleness in The Mist ” Reminds me of another Great mystique – Hilda Charlton !She writes in her book- The new sun- ” How wonderfully , She feels Sathya Sai in its Entirety and enormity like in the Air we breathe,The buildings of Newyork,The Sky, The Stara,, The Moon, The Sun ! Much as I am fascinated by many blogs relating to the miraculous experiences with Mohanji , this particular piece is simply ” quintessentially Divine Fragrance ! My lord – Bless me with a tiny fraction of this Divine love !

  3. Loved reading your experience keshnie, felt like I was reading about myself!!!!
    I too feel like going back ‘home’ and I too feel disconnected sometimes and at such times I hold on to Sai baba even tighter!!!
    Your post brought tears to my eyes and made me feel an intense yearning and love for the divine , god bless you

  4. May the Love that u are beautiful Keshy darling inspire us all to push ahead on the Path to Freedom … despite the odds.
    Now you are Whole inside. … and that takes takes some doing !!!
    It’s a milestone initiation u’ve been thru … with Mohanji so lovingly holding ur hand.
    Bless u and Love u

  5. May the Love that u are beautiful Keshy darling inspire us all to push ahead on the Path to Freedom … despite the odds.
    Now you are Whole inside. … and that takes takes some doing !!!
    It’s a milestone initiation u’ve been thru … with Mohanji so lovingly holding ur hand.
    Bless u and Love u

  6. Yes beautiful Bhakta you are loved unconditionally. Loved your blog. It touched the core of my being. Always love as surely as the son rises bask in that eternal truth. Love u. Jai Brahmarishi Mohanji Ki Jai 🙏💛💫

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